POOF'S QUESTIONNAIRE
FRANK DeCARO

Performer. Pop culture pundit. Gay ghetto superstar. Frank DeCaro is all this and so much more. Since he first came upon the American viewing public in 1996 via Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show,” he has been called “basic cable’s answer to Rex Reed,” “Quentin Crisp in James Coco’s body,” and “Alan Sues for a new generation.” To millions of Americans, he will always be known and loved simply as “that fag on TV.” But thanks to Sirius, he’s now the sex kitten of satellite radio, too. We caught up with the Maharincess of All Media in Manhattan and probed deeper than anyone but his doctor ever has.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Eating everything in sight and not gaining an ounce.

What is your greatest fear?
That Andy Dick will continue to find work.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Liberace.

Which living person do you most admire?
Dame Edna Everage.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Earnestness.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Being late for almost everything.

What is your favorite journey?
The drive from Long Beach Airport to In ‘N’ Out Burger.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“I,” “get off me,” and “poop.”

What is your greatest regret?
Never learning to arrange flowers.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Modesty.


On what occasion do you lie?
I never lie. I fib.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My mother’s hips.


What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My dog Herman.
 


photo by erica berger

When and where were you happiest?
The morning after I came out to my best friend in high school.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to tap dance.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
My father would worship Nancy Sinatra.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A leopard-print coat with beige lining.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Ewan McGregor’s toilet seat.

What is your most treasured possession?
My “Munsters” lunch box.

Where would you like to live?
In a large, paid-off New York City loft.

What is your current state of mind?
Slightly medicated.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My bank balance.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My first book, “A Boy Named Phyllis: A Suburban Memoir.”

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Finally getting cast in a movie and finding out it’s Gigli 2.

What is your favorite occupation?
Costco sample giver.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
A really big one.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Good shoes.

What is your most marked characteristic?
My enthusiasm.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their enthusiasm.

Who is your favorite writer?
Me.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Batman.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Elton John and Rudy Giuliani. (Honest.)

What are your favorite names?
Jim. Herman. Phyllis.

What is it that you most dislike?
Cantaloupe.

How would you like to die?
Beneath Matt Damon.

What is your motto?
“If you really want it, get it.”